so i just read zach morris's blog (side note: zach - please tell me you have dated or are currently dating a girl named kelly. her last name doesn't have to be kapowski, but it would be nice. also, might you know anyone of the name a.c. slater? just wondering. and what kind of cell phone do you have....?)
because i saw the word "sandlot" and i have to say, i'm glad i'm not the only one who immediately thought of ham porter during the flyting discussion in class on friday. i will literally drop what i'm doing if i see the sandlot on tv and watch it until the very end - it's almost a spiritual experience. plus, my boyfriend from camp huff n' puff looked like smalls, so yay me. i could watch those kids play ball forevER forevER forevER....
anywhey, i'm a girl (doy), and i know girls aren't usually known for witty flyting skills, but i know when i was younger, i not only made my sisters cry (and i might *might* still, today), but i could also throw down with the best insulters...five minutes after they walked away. but at least i experienced the satisfaction of getting the best of my older sisters - and i'm still much, much better than them at handing out a spoonful of dis.
and all that talk about freestyle rap in class reminded me that i actually did win a rap-off in my high school chemistry class - but the only thing i can remember is telling the kid to "kiss my asthma - PEACE!" and then i think i turned on the non-working gas valve for effect. what i really wish is that i could participate in mud-slinging with normal people who just bug me whilst i work. i mean work work, not school work - i love getting bugged when i'm trying to do homework because it helps me with my goal of eternal procrastination....
but seriously, i think i could really do some damage if i started treating/speaking to people the way they do to me - for example:
lady: um, this tag says this shirt is $19.50. how much is it?
me: it's $19.50
me in my head: did you pass 2nd grade?
lady: so it's not on sale at all?
me: no, it's actually brand new - we just put out all of our spring stuff
me in my head: was it in the sale section? when you picked it up, was there any indication that it was on sale? seriously. read.
lady: well, could you check what the price is for me so i know for sure?
me: yeah! definitely!
me in my head: i swear to god, woman - i will go back in time and make sure your mother never gets pregnant.
ok, so thats not really clever insult-trading, but sometimes i think really cruel thoughts but i never get to say them out loud because i like having a paycheck. it is neat. like, i love when someone sees a stack of jeans, but instead of doing what i like to call the "lift and separate" to find the size they need, they just rip the jeans out and mess up a stack of like 10 pairs of pants. then they look at me with faux-guilt and say "ooops - i bet you hate when people do that...heh" and i say something like, "oh, no - you're fine, don't worry about it," while what need to say is, "yeah, i seriously hate people like you. get a job in retail and learn how to shop you selfish turd. by the way, you are not a size 4."...or something like that. maybe i should just work on being more clever than the customer so they won't even realize i'm insulting them until after they buy stuff. then the store won't suffer. ^_^
i hope i won't be as cruel as king lear was to gonoreil when he cursed her womb, and in the even that she may actually become preggers, cursing the child to be ridiculously horrible. that was harsh.
by the way, the best insult ever is "your mom." trust me.
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